[it's a long time coming back, this response. that he offers it at all is, perhaps, something of an olive branch in itself.]
When the needs of the Scions first saw us work together, you were as a stranger to me. As likely to let a knife find itself in my back as you were to put it there yourself. Whether that was true or not, [to forestall the inevitable denial] I had no way of knowing. To me, you were a threat. The insults were but a way of measuring your character. That they have persisted after the fact is because there was no need to change.
And because I'm a bastard. [admittedly. he knows what kind of person he is.]
So what I want is of secondary importance because I've no intent of showing vulnerability to you, only to be mocked. [still sour grapes over the kitten comments yes, why do you ask.]
[ She doesn't waste her time denying it, as clearly Ze’s trust issues run quite deep and she can’t say she blames him for being wary of new people anyway. Gods know she’s been much the same throughout her life, especially when she was a child, newly fled from Ishgard and suddenly even more alone than she’d ever been. Perhaps the only difference between them is that she doesn’t immediately regard someone as guilty until proven innocent, but rather she holds them at arm’s length until she believes they’ve proven they can be well trusted. Possibly Ze has the most trouble ever reaching that point where he believes others can be trusted. ]
I was not mocking you. I had hoped you would be reminded of that moment between us and admit… something besides contempt for me.
You cannot show cruelty and hostility towards people and expect them to not be on their guard around you. That is no way to measure the character of an individual. All you do is push them away, or ensure they will never allow you closer. I imagine you know enough of the world to know that you are far from the only person to suffer betrayals and hurt.
If you think I would have allowed you anywhere near me even while drunk if I did not trust you or was not attracted to you to some degree, ‘tis clear you think even less of me and my strength of character than I thought.
[there's an uncomfortable measure of self-reflection required to face her statements, though they come as no surprise. he knows well he is not the only one to suffer betrayal, but to his mind it is of no consequence because this is how he's come to terms with it; a wall of thorns to deter any who would think him an easy mark- of which there is no shortage. of which there continues to be no shortage.
but it does beg the question- what of the future? is he truly prepared to carry this on way forever? living simply for the moment, fearing of looking ahead simply because he knows it might all end tomorrow? is not such an outlook... tenuous?
but to change one's mindset is easier said than done.]
It is no less than I would have thought of my own mother or sisters. [and he admits it- not that he was viewing her with contempt or thought her loose. only that a night of shared passion might amount to nothing more than a passing flight of fancy, much as it might have in his family.] If you want something more of me, ask. [again, that cowardly of his.
but...]
Or, if I am permitted to hope, give me such an inclination.
[ She really doesn’t like this. Forcing her to be the one to open up to him when he’s been the most difficult person ever to get along with isn’t fair. Were it anyone else, she probably wouldn’t bother.
Sarangerel understands very little about Miqo’te culture and tribal pecking orders. She does know that most Keeper men tend to be wanderers though and are never really given a place among the tribes once they’re adults. It’s similar to how she grew up, being a part of her adoptive father’s household yet still very much apart, so when he mentions them, she can empathize enough to give in to his demands. ]
I am not your mother or your sisters.
I do not want to do this anymore. No more petty fighting. I want to at least be friends with you. I want to know you— truly, not only the “bastard” side of you.
You'd have struck me already if you were. [the statement is a little glib in light of the situation, more reflex than anything truly. while ze is well aware sarangerel is neither of those things, it is also true that is merely the expectation he's come to have of his flings, as few and far apart as they are. still, much as he can acknowledge that, even he has better sense than to make mention of it in his defense. it would hardly help and he has a feeling she would not care for the comparison.]
But I hear you, and will make an attempt. Though you may find only a bastard in the end.
[ probably gonna be fwb because she is a slave to her emotions but shhhh, let her think she can deal with this not messily Sarangerel is well aware that she is a more sensitive person than she likes to project. She doesn’t need Ze to point it out to her, but it is hard not to snap back at him defensively when he does. She is still wary of trusting him so much with those soft feelings of hers, after all, considering he’s barely shown her anything. ]
And why do you think that is? Why do you think I do not let on about that?
You've more strength than I in that regard then. Or more folly, though I suppose one cannot walk the path we do without having some form of appetite for pain. [somewhere in that insult is an undertone of admiration.]
[ He's not wrong though. She is a bit of a glutton for pain, more empathetic and compassionate than she likes to let on most of the time. She hides her emotions behind a wall of ice until she gets attached and she’s, unfortunately for him, gotten attached to Ze. ]
There is no shortage of it in our lives, true. I suppose I’ve resolved to accept that.
[in a way he still thinks that's idiotic, but then again he doesn't really have the right to criticize her either. doesn't he, in his own way, also seek out pain because of the joy that comes with?]
Why? It is one thing to be resolved against the possibility and another to walk forward despite. Having been hurt and knowing you can only be hurt again, what reason do you have to push on regardless? [a personal question. he can accept that she does so but finds himself (surprisingly) curious.]
Because if there is a point in living without others, I cannot see it. Closing myself off from pain seemed wisest at first, but eventually I realized that I also prevent myself from joy and love. There is no way to measure the good in life without the bad as a counter reference. I simply endeavor to find the good worth the trouble.
[it's not a decision he can empathize with... or perhaps it is one he won't allow himself to acknowledge. if he walks, it is because there is no other recourse but forward.
but would he say he is grateful for those experiences both kind and harsh? could he truly look back upon his journey and say it was not worthwhile? it is not a question he has asked himself, for to contemplate what cannot be changed seems a foolish endeavor. it has been his life, no other's, and he cannot find it in himself to indulge in the folly of wishing it otherwise because there is no point.
but here, in the face of sarangerel's optimism, it makes him think on it a touch.]
I know you well enough to know you've endured much. To claim it to have all been worthwhile despite is [be nice, ze.] something I cannot pretend to understand. While it is true that the trials have made the softer moments all the more meaningful, I don't know that I could agree that made them justified. [the losses, both friend and foe, weigh heavy.]
[ Considering Ze and their… acquaintanceship thus far, it’s a much more candid and generous reply than she expected from him. She thought he would simply retort that she’s being stupid and be done with it. Perhaps he does truly think so still, but he does also seem to be considering her words. For her, that is enough. ]
I know not if I would go so far as to call it justified either. Loss and hardship and pain never seems right. But I would say that the dichotomy of our lives is explained by this truth. I will not pretend the realization makes it any easier for me to bear the weight, however it does… help me accept at least that suffering exists and we will never be able to avoid it entirely. If I did not realize this, I am certain the tribulations of simply living would have driven me mad by now.
[Madness... while that strikes a cord, there is a part of him that cannot help but wonder if they are not all of them mad already, to have chosen the paths they did.]
I'll not deny, it seems a pitiful excuse. [That harshness exists still, bitter as acid at all that has been weathered.] But it is not my life to reason.
I've not come to where I am by standing alone and ignoring the needs of others- least of all my allies. [a thing of which he is too keenly aware, in an unforgiving way.] 'tis no less than I would offer another companion, having been so sincerely requested. You needn't think deeply upon it.
It suffices, either way. If you're looking to someone with a silver tongue, I'm sure Thancred has a word or three to spare in your direction. In both regards, likely.
[casual dunking on thancred? casual dunking on thancred. this conversation will be awkward saaay... by the next thread, chronologically.]
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⤞acoldwind
[it's a long time coming back, this response. that he offers it at all is, perhaps, something of an olive branch in itself.]
When the needs of the Scions first saw us work together, you were as a stranger to me. As likely to let a knife find itself in my back as you were to put it there yourself. Whether that was true or not, [to forestall the inevitable denial] I had no way of knowing. To me, you were a threat. The insults were but a way of measuring your character. That they have persisted after the fact is because there was no need to change.
And because I'm a bastard. [admittedly. he knows what kind of person he is.]
So what I want is of secondary importance because I've no intent of showing vulnerability to you, only to be mocked. [still sour grapes over the kitten comments yes, why do you ask.]
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I was not mocking you. I had hoped you would be reminded of that moment between us and admit… something besides contempt for me.
You cannot show cruelty and hostility towards people and expect them to not be on their guard around you. That is no way to measure the character of an individual. All you do is push them away, or ensure they will never allow you closer. I imagine you know enough of the world to know that you are far from the only person to suffer betrayals and hurt.
If you think I would have allowed you anywhere near me even while drunk if I did not trust you or was not attracted to you to some degree, ‘tis clear you think even less of me and my strength of character than I thought.
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but it does beg the question- what of the future? is he truly prepared to carry this on way forever? living simply for the moment, fearing of looking ahead simply because he knows it might all end tomorrow? is not such an outlook... tenuous?
but to change one's mindset is easier said than done.]
It is no less than I would have thought of my own mother or sisters. [and he admits it- not that he was viewing her with contempt or thought her loose. only that a night of shared passion might amount to nothing more than a passing flight of fancy, much as it might have in his family.] If you want something more of me, ask. [again, that cowardly of his.
but...]
Or, if I am permitted to hope, give me such an inclination.
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Sarangerel understands very little about Miqo’te culture and tribal pecking orders. She does know that most Keeper men tend to be wanderers though and are never really given a place among the tribes once they’re adults. It’s similar to how she grew up, being a part of her adoptive father’s household yet still very much apart, so when he mentions them, she can empathize enough to give in to his demands. ]
I am not your mother or your sisters.
I do not want to do this anymore. No more petty fighting. I want to at least be friends with you. I want to know you— truly, not only the “bastard” side of you.
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But I hear you, and will make an attempt. Though you may find only a bastard in the end.
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But I do not think you are kind enough to yourself. I know you are more than that.
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fwb]If that is what you choose to believe, then so be it. My words were but a warning- to not see things in me that are not truly there.
For both of our sakes, really. You are more sensitive than you let on. [he doesn't mean that in a bad way, really.]
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probably gonna be fwb because she is a slave to her emotions but shhhh, let her think she can deal with this not messilySarangerel is well aware that she is a more sensitive person than she likes to project. She doesn’t need Ze to point it out to her, but it is hard not to snap back at him defensively when he does. She is still wary of trusting him so much with those soft feelings of hers, after all, considering he’s barely shown her anything. ]And why do you think that is? Why do you think I do not let on about that?
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[and a rough 1:30 later, just enough time for her to perhaps contemplate throttling his neck-]
Ah, it's because I'm an ass. Noted.
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Not quite. Because I too have been hurt and betrayed before meeting you and I have my own fears too. Yet still I would like to try.
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There is no shortage of it in our lives, true. I suppose I’ve resolved to accept that.
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Why? It is one thing to be resolved against the possibility and another to walk forward despite. Having been hurt and knowing you can only be hurt again, what reason do you have to push on regardless? [a personal question. he can accept that she does so but finds himself (surprisingly) curious.]
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but would he say he is grateful for those experiences both kind and harsh? could he truly look back upon his journey and say it was not worthwhile? it is not a question he has asked himself, for to contemplate what cannot be changed seems a foolish endeavor. it has been his life, no other's, and he cannot find it in himself to indulge in the folly of wishing it otherwise because there is no point.
but here, in the face of sarangerel's optimism, it makes him think on it a touch.]
I know you well enough to know you've endured much. To claim it to have all been worthwhile despite is [be nice, ze.] something I cannot pretend to understand. While it is true that the trials have made the softer moments all the more meaningful, I don't know that I could agree that made them justified. [the losses, both friend and foe, weigh heavy.]
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I know not if I would go so far as to call it justified either. Loss and hardship and pain never seems right. But I would say that the dichotomy of our lives is explained by this truth. I will not pretend the realization makes it any easier for me to bear the weight, however it does… help me accept at least that suffering exists and we will never be able to avoid it entirely. If I did not realize this, I am certain the tribulations of simply living would have driven me mad by now.
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I'll not deny, it seems a pitiful excuse. [That harshness exists still, bitter as acid at all that has been weathered.] But it is not my life to reason.
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No. ‘Tis surely not.
But you do not seem quite as jaded as you would have others — and mayhap yourself — believe, considering you what you have just agreed to.
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I would have refuted you, gently, thinking you had mistook a night of passion for something meaningful.
And braced myself for the pot to be hurled at my head when next we met.
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[yes, he has had a few things thrown at him.]
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At least I will not have to worry about us falling into bed together again any time soon.
[ HA HA HA, this won’t age well. ]
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[casual dunking on thancred? casual dunking on thancred. this conversation will be awkward saaay... by the next thread, chronologically.]
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