You've more strength than I in that regard then. Or more folly, though I suppose one cannot walk the path we do without having some form of appetite for pain. [somewhere in that insult is an undertone of admiration.]
[ He's not wrong though. She is a bit of a glutton for pain, more empathetic and compassionate than she likes to let on most of the time. She hides her emotions behind a wall of ice until she gets attached and she’s, unfortunately for him, gotten attached to Ze. ]
There is no shortage of it in our lives, true. I suppose I’ve resolved to accept that.
[in a way he still thinks that's idiotic, but then again he doesn't really have the right to criticize her either. doesn't he, in his own way, also seek out pain because of the joy that comes with?]
Why? It is one thing to be resolved against the possibility and another to walk forward despite. Having been hurt and knowing you can only be hurt again, what reason do you have to push on regardless? [a personal question. he can accept that she does so but finds himself (surprisingly) curious.]
Because if there is a point in living without others, I cannot see it. Closing myself off from pain seemed wisest at first, but eventually I realized that I also prevent myself from joy and love. There is no way to measure the good in life without the bad as a counter reference. I simply endeavor to find the good worth the trouble.
[it's not a decision he can empathize with... or perhaps it is one he won't allow himself to acknowledge. if he walks, it is because there is no other recourse but forward.
but would he say he is grateful for those experiences both kind and harsh? could he truly look back upon his journey and say it was not worthwhile? it is not a question he has asked himself, for to contemplate what cannot be changed seems a foolish endeavor. it has been his life, no other's, and he cannot find it in himself to indulge in the folly of wishing it otherwise because there is no point.
but here, in the face of sarangerel's optimism, it makes him think on it a touch.]
I know you well enough to know you've endured much. To claim it to have all been worthwhile despite is [be nice, ze.] something I cannot pretend to understand. While it is true that the trials have made the softer moments all the more meaningful, I don't know that I could agree that made them justified. [the losses, both friend and foe, weigh heavy.]
[ Considering Ze and their… acquaintanceship thus far, it’s a much more candid and generous reply than she expected from him. She thought he would simply retort that she’s being stupid and be done with it. Perhaps he does truly think so still, but he does also seem to be considering her words. For her, that is enough. ]
I know not if I would go so far as to call it justified either. Loss and hardship and pain never seems right. But I would say that the dichotomy of our lives is explained by this truth. I will not pretend the realization makes it any easier for me to bear the weight, however it does… help me accept at least that suffering exists and we will never be able to avoid it entirely. If I did not realize this, I am certain the tribulations of simply living would have driven me mad by now.
[Madness... while that strikes a cord, there is a part of him that cannot help but wonder if they are not all of them mad already, to have chosen the paths they did.]
I'll not deny, it seems a pitiful excuse. [That harshness exists still, bitter as acid at all that has been weathered.] But it is not my life to reason.
I've not come to where I am by standing alone and ignoring the needs of others- least of all my allies. [a thing of which he is too keenly aware, in an unforgiving way.] 'tis no less than I would offer another companion, having been so sincerely requested. You needn't think deeply upon it.
It suffices, either way. If you're looking to someone with a silver tongue, I'm sure Thancred has a word or three to spare in your direction. In both regards, likely.
[casual dunking on thancred? casual dunking on thancred. this conversation will be awkward saaay... by the next thread, chronologically.]
[ Well, she can’t deny that. That one on the First was the worst, honestly. But still!!!!
Also don’t embarrass her by asking if she’s ever tried to sleep with Thancred. ]
Believe it or not, I am not actually a “slatten whore”.
[ Which is to say that Ze is the first person she’s ever slept with that she wasn’t in an active romantic relationship with already. She’s not one to just fall into bed with people so casually.
Again, this will be awkward by the next chronological thread. ]
[s'fine we're just doing things in reverse. also please- he'd sleep with thancred if the man wasn't so aggressively straight. for a kind of... sampling sort of situation. try it once to say you did it.]
You've lain with me. Is it so farfetched to believe you might have attempted to do so with someone you might actually like?
[ She’s just embarrassed by it because she’s never admitted openly to her stupid crush on Thancred. He was the first Scion she ever met, the one who brought her into the fold. He made a big impression on young and impressionable Sarangerel. The flirtatiousness didn’t help matters either. She miiiight have sneakily read a few too many sordid romance novels as a teenager and Thancred was a protagonist straight from the pages of one back then. Though apparently even in those days Thancred knew better than to take advantage of a young girl who was every bit a hopeless romantic. ]
I have never said I loathed you. That was your presumption.
[if it's any form of consolation, ze is literally far too oblivious to be the type to notice anything of the sort. should it ever emerge in the future, however, he will tease her ruthlessly for it.]
You cannot tell me after all this you would feign a pretense of affection.
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There is no shortage of it in our lives, true. I suppose I’ve resolved to accept that.
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Why? It is one thing to be resolved against the possibility and another to walk forward despite. Having been hurt and knowing you can only be hurt again, what reason do you have to push on regardless? [a personal question. he can accept that she does so but finds himself (surprisingly) curious.]
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but would he say he is grateful for those experiences both kind and harsh? could he truly look back upon his journey and say it was not worthwhile? it is not a question he has asked himself, for to contemplate what cannot be changed seems a foolish endeavor. it has been his life, no other's, and he cannot find it in himself to indulge in the folly of wishing it otherwise because there is no point.
but here, in the face of sarangerel's optimism, it makes him think on it a touch.]
I know you well enough to know you've endured much. To claim it to have all been worthwhile despite is [be nice, ze.] something I cannot pretend to understand. While it is true that the trials have made the softer moments all the more meaningful, I don't know that I could agree that made them justified. [the losses, both friend and foe, weigh heavy.]
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I know not if I would go so far as to call it justified either. Loss and hardship and pain never seems right. But I would say that the dichotomy of our lives is explained by this truth. I will not pretend the realization makes it any easier for me to bear the weight, however it does… help me accept at least that suffering exists and we will never be able to avoid it entirely. If I did not realize this, I am certain the tribulations of simply living would have driven me mad by now.
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I'll not deny, it seems a pitiful excuse. [That harshness exists still, bitter as acid at all that has been weathered.] But it is not my life to reason.
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No. ‘Tis surely not.
But you do not seem quite as jaded as you would have others — and mayhap yourself — believe, considering you what you have just agreed to.
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I would have refuted you, gently, thinking you had mistook a night of passion for something meaningful.
And braced myself for the pot to be hurled at my head when next we met.
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[yes, he has had a few things thrown at him.]
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At least I will not have to worry about us falling into bed together again any time soon.
[ HA HA HA, this won’t age well. ]
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[casual dunking on thancred? casual dunking on thancred. this conversation will be awkward saaay... by the next thread, chronologically.]
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”Silver tongue” is a bit of an overstatement, but I am under the impression that Thancred often treats his casual bedmates more kindly, yes.
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You've never tried for yourself? [a rude thing to ask, perhaps, but without the negative underlining.]
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Also don’t embarrass her by asking if she’s ever tried to sleep with Thancred. ]
Believe it or not, I am not actually a “slatten whore”.
[ Which is to say that Ze is the first person she’s ever slept with that she wasn’t in an active romantic relationship with already. She’s not one to just fall into bed with people so casually.
Again, this will be awkward by the next chronological thread. ]
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try it once to say you did it.]You've lain with me. Is it so farfetched to believe you might have attempted to do so with someone you might actually like?
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Though apparently even in those days Thancred knew better than to take advantage of a young girl who was every bit a hopeless romantic.]I have never said I loathed you. That was your presumption.
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You cannot tell me after all this you would feign a pretense of affection.
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I am hardly confessing to being in love here. I only said that I do not hate you.
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Why should I?
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